Nobody tells you when you're about to become a parent that you're also about to be the most crafty, stretch-the-truthiest person your child will ever know. They should though.
Something about me: I'm a terrible liar. That's why I don't do it. Except for almost every day to The Kid. Okay, not that often, but often enough to write about it.
Let me give you the short list of times I've straight up lied like a Middle Eastern rug to my child.
Aside from every holiday when someone that doesn't exist gets the credit for all the hard work and money spent on gifts that magically appear from thin air, I've got a few to list.
The first tale is from a time when my daughter lost a tooth. She was probably about 5 or 6 when it happened the very first time (call the Mom Police, I don't remember when she lost her first tooth. AND I DIDN'T KEEP IT EITHER!). She lost her first and second tooth within a week of each other and then the third was a week or so after that. It was like my Jesus didn't want me to have any money in my pocketbook for a soda or a snack!
Anytoothfairy, she lost a tooth and the next morning there was nothing under her pillow. She came out of her room like a sad, sad little potato and told me that the Tooth Fairy didn't bring her any cash. The first thing I did was shit my pants because I totally forgot to put money under her pillow. The second thing I did (new parents, please pay close attention to what happened next. I'm literally handing you free lies) was explain to her exactly what happened. Except not *exactly*. I lied.
"OH! You know what happened? You lost that tooth close to bedtime and the Tooth Fairy Cut Off Time is 5:00PM. Anything lost after 5:00PM is counted as being lost the following business day. I bet you'll have something tomorrow morning when you wake up".
She looked at me like I was crazy and then walked away because it made sense. I felt bad for lying, but it literally came out of my mouth like I had practiced it. But also, I was angry because the Tooth Fair isn't even REAL and she's taking credit for the Dr. Pepper and Peanuts under her pillow. No, not really Dr. Pepper & peanuts - that's what I would've probably bought with those $3.
I could tell you a dozen stories just like this one. Someone that isn't real messes up and I have to cover for them...but I won't.
Another thing I do a lot is ask The Kid to clean her room. And she does, but not like "MOM" clean. I want her to go through every drawer and every hanger and get rid of things that don't fit. I want her to open the old kleenex box she upcycled to look like a phone booth and throw away all the broken crayons. She doesn't ever do those things because she hates me and is also aspiring to be on Hoarders: Buried Alive.
This is where my favorite, but also least favorite Mom Trick comes in (write this one down, folks). When she goes away to her grandparents or even the SheWolfPack's house, I go into her room with 234 black contractor bags (the garbage bags that look like you could put a dead body in). I start at one end and work my way out of her room, tossing everything in the trash. I leave no box unopened and no scrap paper unfolded. Everything is fair game when she's gone and I'm in charge. It's satisfying to purge like that, but also, it's my least favorite thing to do because it takes hours. I'm talking: pack a lunch, bring a bottle of wine and have your bluetooth speaker fully charged, because you're not leaving that dark place for a while.
The last time I did it was right before we moved. FWD and I purged. And purged some more. It took us TWO FULL DAYS to get everything out. Then we packed everything up for her and when she got home she was like "uhhhh, are you dropping me off at the fire station? Where are all my things?" and then we opened her closet and there sat her 9 (N I N E) large boxes of her belongings. She had more boxes for her entire room than we had for our entire 2600 SQFT house.
She knew we purged, but hasn't asked for anything since we moved in to the new house in October. Also, her new room - the one she's lived in for less than 90 days, it looks like I'm 2 days away from finding a raccoon living in one of her dresser drawers or on her book shelf.
One of my favorite sneaky things to sneak was a good back scratchin'! When she was little, I would con her into scratching my back for extended periods of time. She would get so irritated, but then I'd say "draw something and let me guess what it is". You guys, best back rub ever!
As she got older she would say "okay, but I'm only going to do it for 5 minutes" and I'd set a timer and forget *winkwink* to start it and she'd ask how much time and I'd look and say "4 minutes" and she would keep going even though she was truly already 6 minutes in.
Now it's not so easy. She's 11 and she's smart. She says "I'll only scratch yours if you scratch mine".
Touche', The Kid. Touche'.
Something about me: I'm a terrible liar. That's why I don't do it. Except for almost every day to The Kid. Okay, not that often, but often enough to write about it.
Let me give you the short list of times I've straight up lied like a Middle Eastern rug to my child.
Aside from every holiday when someone that doesn't exist gets the credit for all the hard work and money spent on gifts that magically appear from thin air, I've got a few to list.
The first tale is from a time when my daughter lost a tooth. She was probably about 5 or 6 when it happened the very first time (call the Mom Police, I don't remember when she lost her first tooth. AND I DIDN'T KEEP IT EITHER!). She lost her first and second tooth within a week of each other and then the third was a week or so after that. It was like my Jesus didn't want me to have any money in my pocketbook for a soda or a snack!
Anytoothfairy, she lost a tooth and the next morning there was nothing under her pillow. She came out of her room like a sad, sad little potato and told me that the Tooth Fairy didn't bring her any cash. The first thing I did was shit my pants because I totally forgot to put money under her pillow. The second thing I did (new parents, please pay close attention to what happened next. I'm literally handing you free lies) was explain to her exactly what happened. Except not *exactly*. I lied.
"OH! You know what happened? You lost that tooth close to bedtime and the Tooth Fairy Cut Off Time is 5:00PM. Anything lost after 5:00PM is counted as being lost the following business day. I bet you'll have something tomorrow morning when you wake up".
She looked at me like I was crazy and then walked away because it made sense. I felt bad for lying, but it literally came out of my mouth like I had practiced it. But also, I was angry because the Tooth Fair isn't even REAL and she's taking credit for the Dr. Pepper and Peanuts under her pillow. No, not really Dr. Pepper & peanuts - that's what I would've probably bought with those $3.
I could tell you a dozen stories just like this one. Someone that isn't real messes up and I have to cover for them...but I won't.
Another thing I do a lot is ask The Kid to clean her room. And she does, but not like "MOM" clean. I want her to go through every drawer and every hanger and get rid of things that don't fit. I want her to open the old kleenex box she upcycled to look like a phone booth and throw away all the broken crayons. She doesn't ever do those things because she hates me and is also aspiring to be on Hoarders: Buried Alive.
This is where my favorite, but also least favorite Mom Trick comes in (write this one down, folks). When she goes away to her grandparents or even the SheWolfPack's house, I go into her room with 234 black contractor bags (the garbage bags that look like you could put a dead body in). I start at one end and work my way out of her room, tossing everything in the trash. I leave no box unopened and no scrap paper unfolded. Everything is fair game when she's gone and I'm in charge. It's satisfying to purge like that, but also, it's my least favorite thing to do because it takes hours. I'm talking: pack a lunch, bring a bottle of wine and have your bluetooth speaker fully charged, because you're not leaving that dark place for a while.
The last time I did it was right before we moved. FWD and I purged. And purged some more. It took us TWO FULL DAYS to get everything out. Then we packed everything up for her and when she got home she was like "uhhhh, are you dropping me off at the fire station? Where are all my things?" and then we opened her closet and there sat her 9 (N I N E) large boxes of her belongings. She had more boxes for her entire room than we had for our entire 2600 SQFT house.
She knew we purged, but hasn't asked for anything since we moved in to the new house in October. Also, her new room - the one she's lived in for less than 90 days, it looks like I'm 2 days away from finding a raccoon living in one of her dresser drawers or on her book shelf.
One of my favorite sneaky things to sneak was a good back scratchin'! When she was little, I would con her into scratching my back for extended periods of time. She would get so irritated, but then I'd say "draw something and let me guess what it is". You guys, best back rub ever!
As she got older she would say "okay, but I'm only going to do it for 5 minutes" and I'd set a timer and forget *winkwink* to start it and she'd ask how much time and I'd look and say "4 minutes" and she would keep going even though she was truly already 6 minutes in.
Now it's not so easy. She's 11 and she's smart. She says "I'll only scratch yours if you scratch mine".
Touche', The Kid. Touche'.
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